These are very common questions going through a guy's mind when he finds out his ex had a baby with someone else and now wants him back. And we dont really know that she actually said shes on the pill or if she is indeed really pregnant or if the lw truly wants him to go off and marry the other woman. On the other hand, once Im in a committed and loving relationship, I like giving blow jobs, even though I dont have any physical satisfaction from it. reader, TELLULAH+, writes (25 January 2008): A If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. You know what bothers me, if the lady wasnt pregnant would he have told you of the affair? When I hit the ground, I jumped up, pulled the safety clip off the release assembly and slapped it. I dont believe in forcing people to become parents either. The time prior to conception is the only time this can be anything close to fair. Hes a scumbag and your only choices are (1) say so now and be rid of him, or (2) wait 5 or 10 years and say Why didnt I see this 5 or 10 years ago? By then you may be after him for child support yourself, and good luck with that therell be at least one in line ahead of you every payday. Courts are loath to do anything but joint custody unless one of the parents is an absolute idiot. Out of all the cries of sexism being thrown back and forth, that to me truly is sexist, assuming that a mother cannot raise a well-adjusted child by herself. Also, he seems willing to abide by the laws. Since you obviously cant formulate a cogent argument on the merit of these laws in response to my questions (as it doesnt interest you), I wonder why you keep going out of your way to engage this conversation. Men still lose here, because if theyre they one who wants the child, tough luck, but thats the way it is. Because we stayed together, she caused him a lot of stress and drama by doing things like not letting him see his kids. My boyfriend got another girl pregnant. What should we do? I get what youre saying. Itll take work and patience, but he CAN be a father to the baby, and a partner to you.. And hopefully this childs mother will, too. For more information, please see our Nice way to generalize. ColorsOfTheWind Ask Dr. Sherry: 'My Fianc Got Another Woman Pregnant, Now - Essence I dont care. It really doesnt help the LW at all and doesnt belong here but here we go. Heres the fact: LW, you dont get a say in what this woman does, and neither does your boyfriend. reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2008): A About Press Copyright Contact us Creators Advertise Developers Terms Privacy Policy & Safety How YouTube works Test new features NFL Sunday Ticket Press Copyright . I dont know what he told her within those two minutes but obviously it worked cause now yeah. They probably hang out for a few weeks more, she kind of gets on his nerves for whatever reason and starts to bug the shit out of him. But the LW could be using selective words to paint him in a certain light, such as replacing upset with furious. So me making it a laid-back scenario is no more absurd than making it a scenario where he a shitty human. , CatsMeow That is what makes him a douchenozzle. The primary relationship in someones life is allowed to (and should) remain the primary relationship, even after the later appearance of children. While I realize that this is a stressful situation, your letter indicates that you will always harbor resentment for this child and this woman who will be in you and your boyfriends lives FOREVER. He knew it but was willing to take that risk just like any man does when they engage in sex with a woman. Add your answer to this question! April 10, 2012, 6:26 pm. If youre going to have sex with someone you are not in a relationship with, be prepared that a *pregnancy* might happen. April 10, 2012, 7:06 pm. Both have to accept responsibility for that. I think its more like HIV sufferers are more likely to be honest about how they got it because there isnt a societal blind eye for bullshitting about your personal responsibility for ending up in the predicament. Hell, I dont even know the lady in question, and I can tell that shell be a lousy mother, too. Jimmy has made his choice. People surely arent calling him scum for not taking responsibility, because hes apparently going to provide support. We broke up for 8 hours 2 months in and he met another girl within those 8 hours. So, you read the letter and all of the replies and what you got out of it is that a guy got a girl preganant who he doesnt want to be with his entire life and everyone responding considers him a jackass because of that? If hes such an awful scumbag, why would you want to force him to be a father. Then, fine; but you need to consider the possibility of having to deal with this malarkey for the rest of the time you and your boyfriend are together. While we both made it, I wanted it and he didnt. Or until we decide to start a family.. I simply had to chime in here as this is what I do for a living and so many people are sadly misinformed. unfortunately, ive seen more than one person take pills the wrong way (whether it be because they forget, dont take it at exactly the same time, dont pay attention to warnings about drug interactions, etc). depressed, got back together, money. Sorry for the crass language. But there is no ensuring that the child is cared for in an adoption. Problem. After 2 months, I initiated for a comeback. She doesnt tell the waiter that she has a peanut allergy, because she assumes that simply ordering a dish without peanuts in it will protect her. SweetsAndBeats So it sounds like the mom here mustve been in a postiion to want and/or raise a child. I dont agree with it, but the beauty of being an American is we both get to have our views. February 1, 2014, 11:38 am. My hand felt like someone smacked a block of ice with a hammer. bittergaymark He is placing all of the blame of this two minute relationship that resulted in a baby on the women, and that is pretty shitty. I dont see anything wrong with his points. But theres a huge amount of anger here over the fact that he didnt, even though theres no statement by the LW either way. April 9, 2012, 9:58 am. Move on already, LW. So, in your opinion, anyone who has sex without wanting to get pregnant is an idiot?. You add nothing to the conversation but name-calling. Regardless, I again find a double standard in saying he must be scum to not want to be in the childs life but that opting to give a child up for adoption is a perfectly viable choice for a woman. Hell, as a parent, I probably should never drive to get coffee because Im risking death in an accident for something I dont need, and yes, I do know that people die in car accidents. Reading your letter, you sound really immature and not ready to be kn a relationship with a man that has a child. Nothing about that makes him a bad person. reader, Junebug2589+, writes (22 November 2008): A Why do you assume everything is so laid back though? You are feeling particularly aggressive or bold. I dont know how you can defend it. Fine. Thats what IVF is for either the male or the female gives of their own gametes. He didnt expect that to happen. Steve Kellmeyer So, youre wondering what is it about her that he is willing to commit himself and give his all to her. And as a grown adult; as a person whos lived 40 years and should have acquired a sense of decency and maturity; you should own up to the consequences of your actions. You are indiscriminate in your partner choice and/or birth control? So, if she opted for an abortion and he was furious with her for not keeping the baby, would he be scum? I mean for fuck sake? He sounds self-entitled, immature, arrogant, an all around horrible person. But instead, she rushed into a new relationship with some new guy, got pregnant, and appeared completely irresponsible. So, it's up the guy to put the idea out there of getting back together and proving to his ex that it's worth a shot. How on earth do you propose to make any of this even for everybody, including the child? Im sorry you feel you are in the minority. Not because there was anything wrong with me or because I didnt deserve a father or because I wasnt lovable she was always sure to explain that it was his deficits that kept him from being a part of my life. They like to entrap men, too. Theres no statement suggesting that he tried to browbeat the woman into getting an abortion. bittergaymark Months after we broke up, he would come and go as he pleased. Tell you what sunshine I promise that when men carry the children you all can decide about terminating the pregnancy too irrespective of your partners wants then we will have that equality you want so bad. Hes scum because he abandoned a woman he impregnated.. Ive known people who thought of abortions as no big deal who opted to keep unexpected and poorly timed pregnancies, and people who thought theyd never consider an abortion but who ultimately ended up having one. And hes a bigger idiot if he doesnt think hes responsible for whats happening to him now. The idea that he owes his life to her now that hes fathered her child is precisely the reason so many people are in unhappy marriages and there is such a high number of marital affairs. Call me crazy, but I dont see any partys reaction to this crazy. And the world goes round. In order to build trust, the person must be trustworthy. He isnt what is best for you. Personally, it doesnt sound like shes trying to trap your untrappable boyfriend into a relationship YOU are trying to trap him, or get rid of him, by telling him he should stay with her because its his kid (and then you go around calling her (the mother of your BFs child) scoat and such very classy)! Nevertheless, if you choose to sleep with a guy that you are not in a relationship with or have only known for two months, without doubling up on the protection, and get pregnant and decide to keep the babyThen I think you should be aware that a situation like this may happen. Here 13 common reasons guys start missing and try to go back to their ex. My mother taught me better than that. 3) A parent leaving their child with the other parent, especially one they barely know, isnt the same as putting a child up for adoption. Problem. Jimmy and Susie are in love. She didnt ask for any help with the other women so why would people be throwing out their opinions on that? Oh I definitely agree, a laid back scenario is no more absurd, it really depends on how people take what he is saying. It happens, some people are incredibly fertile. You are in a relationship where you are the one responsible for everything. And I do commend him for providing financial support. As others have said, arguably this is more denial and shock than actual fury. Change the subject and attack is not debate and makes you look pathetic. he was told that he could not have any children so i thought she wasnt his. It makes sense that she would do everything she could to convince us that this other woman wanting to keep the child is the worse thing ever because theyre obviously meant to be and this childs existence is a testament to the fact that their (former and/or current) relationship wasnt/isnt perfect. It has nothing to do with the man. door to door service. April 10, 2012, 6:32 pm. This is clearly a heated topic, so Im not sure were all being purely logical about it. Im questioning the inherent fairness of the law today. so we have a 8mth baby. As we established earlier, men dont really have the option to walk out on a fetus, because the fetus doesnt need anything from them yet (although certainly dads-to-be provide a lot of support to moms-to-be in most cases). the manchild gene!! But to me, it sounds like youre misdirecting your anger. Because guess what? I dont think a relationship with the other woman will work but at the same time Id run from a man who wants nothing to do with their own child. But its her body Well, department of labor clearly shows that statistically a man in a low-paying job is far more likely to die in a workplace accident over the course of 18 years than a woman over a normal pregnancy. At conception there is a zygote, then an embryo and then a fetus. And finally , yes, I do think he should have some right to what happens to that pregnancy, and yes I do think that trapping someone by getting pregnant is repulsive, and so yes, I can understand his anger at the woman if that is what is happening. These people are the REAL zombies.. landygirl Even if she was taking it appropriately (same time every day, no antibiotics interfering, etc), it still isnt 100% effective. The divide between the populations of men and women that make up people differs only by a couple of percent world wide, so unless your definition of the term people consists largely of men, that argument falls through. The system you propose that if conception is not by mistake and if the man does not decide early on that he doesnt want to be responsible, then he should be obligated to that child is the craziness system ever. at risk of STDs. We decided to get back together as we cant bear life without each other. Most guys will not pass up good sex and they . But just my guess. Who deserves to have the two people who were responsible for bringing it into the world both contributing to support it. Everyone I know, including myself, that is not ready to have a child uses a condom or doubles up on protection, or makes sure that the pill is taken on damn regular basis. I think she is just trying to trap my man, who is untrappable. Who then supports the child that the man made? Thats not the point here. At this point, its an easy thing to resolve this without decades of support and animosity. bittergaymark Whether or not the current laws are unfair to the man are irrelevant since this child has already been conceived. For whatever reason that may be. I dont have a problem with that. But the kid is coming, and if your BF is a decent guy, he *should* be there for his child (if he doesnt come around eventually, you may need to consider if hes someone worth being with). I attempt to avoid name calling, but if you have a problem with one person ASKING another person to do or not do ANYTHING, you are a poor excuse for an adult! FYI first time posting but long time reader. Parasites are all the same. And for what its worth, I highly doubt he can bear to live without you. I mean, he didnt exactly waste any time getting some other chick pregnant, did he? You knew he would not or could not be the man you wanted. it will be her due by July or Aug. well, The reason why I asked you about your opinion because it's really hard for me to make a decision to leave her behide her pregnant on her own. exactly hes allowed to not want to be a father, but be smarter about birth control. Im sorry, but sex creates children. I GOT ANOTHER GIRL PREGNANT PRANK ON GIRLFRIEND! (GONE WRONG) | We Youve given me a lot to think about in terms of my views on raising children that come out of short term flings and im appreciative for the insight. But I almost laughed out loud when I read untrappable. Well he will still have to pay child support. If a woman gets pregnant from a quick, meaningless relationship and tells the father that shes expecting, and the father wants desperately to keep the baby, what do we call the woman who aborts the child anyways? Therefore, move on. Both of those things cant be true, LW. Turns out it wasnt even his kid (thats another story), but she showed up at his work, called him repeatedly in the middle of the night, and physically assaulted his friends girlfriend in a parking lot. Generally it turns into a bunch of bleeps. or if shes just done too many drugs or something and her brain is rotting away. FireStar I think its dispicable that you would consider re-uniting with a man that thinks his only obligation as a father is financial support. Remember awhile back there was the letter about the girl who had an abortion and was scared to tell her bf because he was anti-abortion. Just 10 seconds in the slipstream at 175 mph.. Chuck Pelto This is usually created by one person chasing harder or desiring the person more. April 9, 2012, 4:51 pm. Really, people. The woman also gets to choose to keep the baby if she wants (even against his wishes), and gets the added benefit of forcing an unwitting and unwilling father into servitude for what is completely and totally her choice by your own admission. 13 Honest Reasons Guys Think About Their Ex After A Breakup - YourTango Welcome to adulthood. And yet men still keep having sex with us. A condom would have prevented this whole thing AND protected you from STDs. Everyone I know, including myself, that is not ready to have a child uses a condom or doubles up on protection, or makes sure that the pill is taken on damn regular basis. Oh, good lord. I got angry because it's something he should have told me. My point was BOTH of them are responsible NOT just one of them. Relax. Its very clear that you care a great deal about the quality of your childs life and emotional well-being. April 9, 2012, 12:32 pm, Well to start theres this ridiculous bit of misogyny and what seems like lack of understanding of child support: one of them is the ability to, once pregnant, get support for 20+ years from someone they might have just met.. I mean, he loved the baby mama enough to get erected & to bang her & to just release evrything to make her pregnant, & what the fuck am I thinking?!?!? If theres anyone whos unfairly been put in this mess, its not you its the baby. If he wore a condom and if she was on the pill, hes an idiot because what? They can either hope the woman opts to not keep the baby, or they pay. Why You MUST Let Him Come To You After A Break Up I could maybe understand if he was 19 and didnt know what to do. lets_be_honest So while support is gender-blind, the points that get you to the question of support arent, which kind of means support isnt either. 2. Wellyeah. It is time to take a hard honest look at yourself and why you really want to be in a relationship with a man that wants to be with someone else. Life is unfair. Yes, its not a crime. Thats my advice. Beyond that, no one really cares that he jumped in bed with another woman right after they broke up only to decide that he cant live without her after getting said woman pregnant. But then Id be haunted with the thought that I could have frozen BETTER sperm than the sperm I froze before tying the tubes and will always wonder if my children could have been better. Cut your losses and get the hell out. The law provides that the parent taking care of the child is entitled to support from the other parent. SweetsAndBeats I dont think the actual equality is as you think it is, but even if I agree that it is, it has nothing to do with what happens early on in a pregnancy. Addie Pray Its not JUST about your ex-boyfriend, LW. If the childs mother fully intends to love and support and care for her child, and explain to him/her that their biological fathers lack of desire to be a dad or deficits has nothing to do with him/her that child will grow up no worse for wear. So, let it be over. April 10, 2012, 12:44 pm. The guy started dating someone else. I think its pretty unfair that women have the choice to abort or not, and the man gets no say in that, not really. No one should be forced to abort a child, but no one should be forced to have one they do not want. You moved and hoped he would come chasing you. This desicion has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Go argue with the feminists. 4. She came first. Malarky. I showed up late to the hot debate in the comments (damn you work lol), but to put this in perspective for me, I was born to relatively young parents and now at 25, my dad is a few years older then this gem of a man in this letter. Exactly where is there a grown-up here? Id argue the country is not any better off for it, either. So on what grounds do you hold the carpenter for child support and let the IVF doctor walk? For the love of all things holy are you deliberately obtuse or truly lacking in basic comprehension? Now I also believe that the LW is exposing herself to STDs not this guy, because she knows that he had unprotected sex with another women, and she still chooses to be with him either way. April 9, 2012, 1:57 pm. And those rapists who raped them get the money? 17. Its not right Im sure I wouldnt.! Run as if your life depends on it because it does. Its frustrating, but until then, there simply isnt much she can do. I mean, hey, we certainly couldnt be any more careless or reckless with this precious gift than women keep on proving to be, landygirl iseeshiny There is no child at conception very good. Well, now it's been years. Furthermore, dont tell me what to do with my body and I wont tell you what to do with yours, little girl. Furthermore, what adult man refuses to have a relationship wit a child he conceived. He let you go. Malarky. People need to think about their actions and the consequences. April 10, 2012, 4:35 pm. Not your body, not your choice. Its a crappy scenarios but shit happens, and theres really nothing YOU can do about it. -Tried to pressure her into getting an abortion Hell of course express things in a way that maximizes the chance of him not doing any more to hurt the LW than necessary. But I think that both people have equal responsibility and equal rights in expressing a view. Um, I dont think anyone actually said that. Im not implying anything other than exactly what I wrote. Even if she was lying about being on birth control. We have been broken up for a few months but have remained friends and in contact. If he decides to abandon his child, he is. If you dont like someone (as a fellow human being), dont have sex with them. Someone else has assumed it. Any advice for me?Signed, AnonymousDear Sis,News Flash: This man is not and has never been your man. If the baby mama wants to keep the baby, its her decision. And why do you think shes trying to trap him? At this point, she doesnt even know for certain that the woman is pregnant or that its his child. This isnt about a child who has been born and who has needs. Have an abortion or Ill be furious = Have fries with that or Ill be furious > Psycho. ColorsOfTheWind makes excellent points, and I agree; however, Id quibble with the phrase grown-up problems. This surprises you? I understand that there are many times when adoption is the best choice. bittergaymark Oh wow, that was longer than I expected. Dolce Got Another Girl Pregnant He Broke My Heart.. I think hes allowed to have an opinion about the woman after all, hes about to be handcuffed to her for the next 19 years or so. And to the LW your boyfriend is not the victim in all of this. honeybeenicki Please let your sons know that, whether you agree that its fair or not, that is the way it works because if they end up whining about paying to support a kid with their DNA it will accomplish nothing but to make them look ignorant. Hi. He begged me not to go, but I left anyway because I didnt think things would change and I wanted him to see what life was like without me in hopes hed run after me. evanscr05 Just feeding on each other and leaving a trail of human wreckage in their wake. He can take all the risks he wants its his choice. So, he feels it is best to make things work with her for the sake of his baby. Ok, lets say he has the right to have as much unprotected sex as he wants. While it is true he has no obligation to someone hes broken up with, he does have an obligation to not go around making babies with women he doesnt even know. I think whatever scorn youre heaping onto this woman you should deal evenly to your boyfriend. theQuietOne The only ones who dont are the ones who dont ask for it and/or whom the court deems is unable or unfit to. If you dont want a kid with a stranger then PULL OUT!!! You shouldnt expect him to bow down and praise the woman. All that does is make 3 people miserable (both parents plus the child). Its HERS, but it does not properly belong to either one of the men. The law does, because once the child is here, through no fault of its own, it needs to be supported in order to have a successful life and successful children are in the best interest of all of society. In most cases a child has been brought into the world consensually, and so both parents should be obligated to support that child. Consider that this child will be a drain on his resources, and possibly yours as well if you marry. -Got her pregnant ele4phant Are women less able to care and provide in todays society? By continuing to use this site, you agree to our updated Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. If you are a woman, if you just met a guy, and if you become pregnant, you can get 20+ years of child support. Choose. April 9, 2012, 2:44 pm. The adoption process has a pretty involved vetting procedure- meaning that birth parents can reasonably assume the child will be cared for by the adoptive parent or parents. No matter how many precautions you take, if a pregnancy occurs you have to accept that its because of what you did and accept full responsibility for your actions. She told him she got pregnant on the pill, which I think is a lot of cod wallopBut I think shes tried to trap him and hes untrappable. nurserie cerise et capucine we broke up and he got another girl pregnant.If your ex got married only months after the breakup, then something doesn't feel right.In most cases with my clients, the girl is wanting the guy . You two seems very good at twisting everyones words, and then getting mad at those people for it. Malarky. Bossip Comment Policy SpaceySteph Might he have continued sleeping with her? Essence may receive compensation for some links to products and services on this website. any story where a man was forcibly stopping someone from getting an abortion- Yes, that is terrible of the man in question. Francine You experience a myriad of emotions, and sometimes, you feel guilty or even blame yourself for why the relationship ended.This is all the more reason why it feels like a big fat kick in the teeth to discover that your ex is an overlapper: s(he'd .
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